The Road I Have to Travel

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One of the biggest adjustments I have had to make since moving here was living on a gravel road.

And I absolutely h.a.t.e. it.

In the Fall and Summer it is dry and dusty.
And in the Winter and Spring it is muddy, wet, and nasty.

Each property owner is supposed to maintain their portion of the road and only some do.

For more than twenty years I lived in the city or suburbia.

No dirt or gravel roads.
No messy potholes, or muddy, flooded, low places. 
No filthy, mucky, dusty cars.
No scraping washouts after heavy rains.
It has been a learning curve that I have not liked.

A day or two after Christmas our road was particularly nasty, and wet, and I was grumbling, and cursing it more than usual. But when I pulled into our driveway I stopped to look at the baby lambs that had just been born.

We had been so excited when the first babies were born, especially since the first one was born on Christmas Eve.

They were so clean, and white, and tiny, and adorable, that I forgot that abominable road.
I sat there watching them run and jump and thought about my nephew's reaction to the lambs.

He had been so ecstatic to see them and had said to his mom 'it will take me a long time to get over that'.

Of course, I think he is the most adorable five year old I know and I was chuckling at the memory.

And at that moment I felt the Lord was telling me that without the nasty, bumpy, frustrating, journey, I wouldn't be right where I was.

Don't you love those sweet moments when you know He is speaking to your heart and it's in such a magnificently sweet and wonder filled way?

The road I hated so much had brought me to this beautiful place where I could see something amazing.

I know you could see lambs in other places.

Places that don't have roads as nasty as ours.

But it wasn't just the lambs.

It was so many things that the Cabin is to us.

It is a place of rest and comfort.
A place of peace and safety.
A place of joy and family.
A place where we have seen so much of God's creation and goodness.
A gathering place and a porch sitting place.

And we have to travel that despised road to get here.

Oh, I still curse the mud holes and ruts in our road, but now I also think of the blessings and surprises at the end of my journey.

Blue Jays and Acorns

Did you know that Blue Jays eat acorns?

I didn't until today.

We have faithfully fed the critters since we moved here. The squirrels usually rob the bird seed within a couple of days but they are fun to watch.

I haven't yet started to put seed out this Fall but I threw out some old biscuits a few days ago.
That must have brought the birds in because I got up the following morning and there were birds everywhere.

And lots of Blue Jays.

I have a love hate relationship with Jays. I love to look at them; their colors are beautiful.

But they make. THE. MOST. ANNOYING. SOUND. imaginable.

All Spring we heard them screaming at predators when their babies hatched.

And finally, in late summer, they were quiet.

Now they are back.

And they are already screaming at other birds who might get their food.

Today, as I was watching them out the window, I saw them foraging under the leaves to pick up acorns.

There are lots of acorns this year, more than plenty for all the critters.

As I watched those Jays scrambling to get as much as they could and screaming at others who might get some, I thought of how I have been just like them.

I have scrambled to get something before it was gone.

I have been stingy and screamed at others when I thought they were taking what belonged to me.

I have doubted that God would provide enough.

So.

Many.

Times.

I have been just like those Jays.

That is so humbling.

And, so, just this morning, as I sat here and thought these things the cries of the Jays aren't as annoying as they were before.

I watch them and remember the assurance of the scriptures:

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?²⁸ And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹ yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Matthew 6:25-34 

And I resolve that I won't let the cries of the Jays annoy me as they did.

I will try, knowing I may fail, to remember this scripture as I watch, not only the Jays but, all the creatures who feed in my back yard.

I know it is a gift to and share with so many of God's creatures.

Diet and Exercise

I have a few extra pounds to loose from all the holiday extras.

And... I am finally rid of the sinus infection I have had for month and can start exercising again.

And... my brother was just diagnosed with diabetes.

So I don't want to crash diet. I want to make a healthy lifestyle change in diet and exercise.

I have no problem with exercise.

Actually I enjoy a regular exercise schedule and look forward to it and will stick with it.

But,I have tried and have never been able to keep an accurate calorie count or food diary. I will start strong and then loose motivation or forget.

So....my sweet daughter introduced me to this app for my iphone.

It's free and I love it.

It keeps track of my calories, exercise, water intake, my weight goal, tells me how much sodium, sugar, and cholesterol I have consumed, tells me how many calories I have left for the day, charts my progress....well you get the picture.

It is so wonderful!

And best of all it is fun and easy enough for even me to use.

Enjoying this season

I get up when I want to each morning and drink coffee and read the Bible and the news and a few blogs.
I am just a slow starter.

And for once in my life I don't feel guilty about that.

Years ago when my children were small I read some books and articles that said I should read my Bible first thing each morning, before anything else. I carried that rock in my guilt sack for many years.

I have finally learned to give myself grace for the years when I was learning how to function in real life as a Christian. I didn't have the benefit of a Christian home so I had never established a daily habit of reading the Bible or prayer. I prayed when I needed something and read the Bible in church.

And it really is true that the older you are the harder it is to establish a habit for life.

And it is especially true that it is even more difficult to take care of your spiritual needs when you have many little ones clamoring for their physical needs to be met. For several years I felt that A.L.L. I could do was the basics.

We tried to host Bible studies at different times when our children were small. But the pure exhaustion I would feel after doing my regular work plus preparing food and cleaning the house for company would leave me fighting not to fall asleep and would eventually become too much.

I can vividly remember getting my children ready for church and being in such a frazzled state by the time we arrived that it was extremely difficult to focus on worship.

Once Tracy attended a men's study and breakfast before church on Sunday's. I was pregnant and had our three little ones to ready for Sunday School and church. I was so angry at the church for not thinking of the mothers who were just like me when they decided upon the time for that study. Tracy stopped going and many men didn't understand why..... but their wives did.

We live here in the Bible Belt now and I watch as families hustle to church on Sundays and again on Sunday night and then again on Wednesday night. Most Sundays are not restful for families with children and Wednesday can be a nightmare for mother's who work and have to feed their family before church.

We thought the answer might be in the 'family integrated' church movement. I remember purchasing this book many years ago and being so excited. The problem was finding a church that shared our values and ideas. When we lived in Colorado we thought we had found just that and were excited to be part of a new, and exciting, church movement.

And, I am sure you know the rest of the story. We were disappointed in leadership and frustrated at the way women were given specific roles. My heart would go out to the women who had large families and small children who would come to church, sit on the pew with their little ones, noisy and squirming (many of these women ended up in the hallway chasing their children during the sermon), and then help prepare tables of food for the fellowship meal. Then while the men put away tables, fellowshipped, had their 'men only meetings' or watched the children play on the play ground, the women washed utensils and ensured the kitchen was clean. Needless to say that before long 10% of the church was doing 80% of the work because many families with many small children left without eating or as soon as the meal was over because they were so overburdened.

So there were gaps in the ministry and shepherding of many in the family integrated church.

After the experience we had I began to evaluate the value of a nursery. I know that many times when I arrived at church with my little ones I would be so happy to turn them over to the nursery workers so that I could have an hour to worship and focus on the Lord. Many times it was the only time all week that I could do that. And I must admit that, while I dislike the idea that some have to work on Sunday so that I can eat at a restaurant after church, I greatly enjoy it now and enjoyed it even more when my children were small. It was such a treat and I got one meal over with and someone else cleaned up.

Loving the church and juggling family duties can be hard and I wonder what a healthy balance is.

At the stage of life I am in now I am evaluating my place in the church and my desire to help others with small children. I feel I had all the answers when I was younger and the older I get the less I know. But I do want to help others who may be struggling and I am trying to seek God in this.

And I am enjoying my life right now. Probably more than I should. I love my solitude and my lack of a schedule. I realize it is just for a season but we all like some seasons better than others.

I don't know how many times I have thought about what I would do if I were told I only had a short time to live.

In the course of life we think about what we would do in our last days, hours, moments.

Spend loads of money, take an exotic trip, buy a fancy sports car, repair broken relationships, speak words of forgiveness, love, and encouragement to the ones we love. There are so many things that come to mind.

And then one day I realized that each day gone was one we did not have.

We are dying from the time we draw breath from our mother's womb. We don't think about death much in our culture unless we come face to face with it and loose a friend or a loved one.
But death is a part of living.

It is something that is happening to all of us, whether slowly or quickly, we are all dying. No matter how many years we are afforded on the earth our bodies are deteriorating before our eyes.
If we live long enough we will be the old lady shuffling slowly in the grocery aisle slowing us down or the old man holding up traffic as he tries to park his car.

As a culture we have tried to separate ourselves from the unpleasantness of old age and death. By placing our elderly in nursing homes or 'assisted living' centers we don't have to take care of, or see, the deterioration of age unless we decide we want to.

And, while years ago families not only nursed their elderly until death, they also dressed and prepared the body for burial. That task we have also rid ourselves of by using funeral homes to prepare our dead and host our wakes.

We don't like to think of death.

But, in it's proper place, death has great impact upon our thinking and upon how we live our lives. If we are faced daily with the fact that we are aging, and in fact dying, we may behave differently. Instead of losing our temper because the old lady on the road in front of us slowed us down we might better be able to realize that if God gives us the life we so desire that we will someday be that old person.

There is nothing so sad as an old person plagued by regrets. Someone who feels that their life was miserable. It is as if they are a victim of their own minds.

God has been doing a new work in my heart and this is just a piece of it. Just a few thoughts that I have been ruminating upon. I don't want to have regrets someday of not spending time with people I love or doing things that I have dreamed of.

Of not laughing, traveling, eating, singing, loving.

So, if you started each new day you were given with the thought that it may be your last, because we aren't promised a tomorrow,  how would you live differently?

Meditations for a new year

Today I have been reflecting on the year behind us.

Honestly, I won't be sorry to see it go.

It really wasn't an enjoyable year and held more than a fair amount of changes.

I have struggled for years with depression, and with dealing with issues in my past, and this year broke me.

Truly.

For a period of time I just lost all trust and hope in God, in family, friends, and in the future.

So, at the end of this year, I feel like I have been wrestling with God for months. I am tired and ready to ring in a new year, hopefully one that is filled with laughter, peace, and hope.

Perhaps I will be able to attend church again this year. I long to go again but I am truly afraid of tearing my newly healed wounds open.
Time heals, and this may be proving true for me, but still I am waiting and fearful.

It just feels like it is too soon to try to get involved in a church family again.
Before we moved to Virginia we struggled to find a church and to fit into a church body; we had such a desire for family since we were so far from our immediate family.
We just couldn't find a place that felt like home and that was so frustrating. I realize that God was teaching us through that, and that we grew tremendously because of it. We didn't neglect the scriptures, or prayer, but many times we just felt like 'misfits'.

In the last few months the Lord has brought me back to His word and to 'my first love'.

Over the years I had read so many things that had confounded my thinking and influenced our homeschooling and our family life. God has indeed helped me to see that many, if not most, of those ideas were not His best.
Being in a culture that had standards of holiness based upon works creates very judgmental people.
The guilt I felt, on more than one occasion, because I knew that my life fell short of the high standards set by home school gurus, and people at our church, was overbearing. I felt there was no one to talk to or to share my struggles with.
Having home schooled for years, and in many states, the culture we left when we moved here was by far the most Pharisaic.
I have often said that no one would pay to go to a home school conference if the speakers stood up and said:

"If you are homeschooling your children do it because God has called you to, or because you have truly thought about education, and have a philosophical idea about what education is.
Do not do it because you think your children will be smarter, more holy, more polite, or the best at everything they do.
Do not do it if you think that by keeping your children from the influence of the world, not watching certain television shows, reading certain books, or wearing certain clothes your children will be holy little saints who do not, and have no desire to, sin.
If you home school you will still have to deal with sin in your household, especially the sin of pride. You will not be able to protect your children from the sin in their own hearts and, if you fellowship much in homeschooling groups and churches with lots of home school families, you will have to deal with the issue of 'white washed tombs', or little Pharisees.
Remember that the the Pharisees that Jesus condemned were once children who had studied the Torah and followed the laws and traditions set forth by the church to the extent that they had become leaders in the synagogue. But their hearts were unclean, they judged others, they made a show of worshiping God by wearing the 'right' clothes and saying the 'right' words, and most grievous of all they mocked and rejected the Messiah.
Remember, also that Jesus himself stated 'He who loves much is forgiven much but he who is forgiven little loves little.' (Luke 7:47)"

I realize that all home schooling families are not the same and many teach their children that their works are not attributed as righteousness. Our own family struggled with this issue many different times. We were led astray more than once by teachings that promised ideals here on this earth and we regret many of our decisions that were based on those teachings.

But this is not just a problem in the home school community. It is a problem in the Christian community. Church should be a place where people come to be loved, and to learn about Jesus, and to be accepted even in their deepest, darkest sins.

Sadly, many churches are not this way. As soon as a person reveals certain struggles they are marked and not counted as holy. It has always interested me that some struggles are acceptable to discuss and people have compassion for the offender, but others are unacceptable and treated as nonredeemable.

So, this is what my heart is meditating on today. As the new year comes I want to be cleansed of all the old teachings I received and accepted that have caused me to judge others as holy or acceptable or even striving to better themselves, (are you judging me? I am not proud of this).

And I long to attend church again but just don't feel I am ready.
Pray for me.

Tradition! Tradition!

For years our family put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving.
And many times we opened gifts on any day but Christmas day-sometimes because Tracy would be deployed for the holidays, and sometimes just to keep Christmas day peaceful.

We always tried to go to church on Christmas eve if there was a service nearby to attend.

We had certain favorite foods for Christmas and Easter. And always had a red velvet 'birthday' cake for Jesus.

We didn't go trick or treating (sorry- even if I didn't feel Halloween was a celebration of darkness I couldn't in good consciousness let my children go to people's houses and ask for a treat for doing nothing and make a threat if they didn't get one.)

Thanksgiving meant a beautiful table with five kernels of corn at each place setting and a discussion of what we were most thankful for that particular year.

So, over the years we have tried to establish our own traditions. Things that our children would remember and think of as our family ways. As a homeschooling and a military family we tried to make things special for our children in our own ways. Each move meant unpacking quickly to set up house so that things would feel 'normal' in a new place.

And perhaps we have been a bit too philosophical about them. I mean does it really hurt anything to let your kids believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? And if your kids want to dress up as angry birds and go to the church 'trunk or treat' party is that such a big deal?
I guess I am just getting older and tired of thinking about things too much.

But, I also don't have children I am responsible for anymore.

I think we all have to make decisions based on our consciences and convictions when it comes to these celebrations and activities.

Traditions can be wonderful or they can be horrible if they bind us and we follow them without conscience.


I know I couldn't bear the thought of erring to the side of darkness or sin.

And I have to live with that.

I made mistakes as a parent and I live with them e.v.e.r.y. day.

Sometimes I grieve over some of those mistakes.

I think that perhaps I idolized my children and just tried too hard to make their lives what mine never was, and what I thought a child's life should be.

And I think one of my greatest failings was trying to make my convictions their convictions.

I wanted them to grieve over sin in all ways, to be convicted that their lives and actions should glorify the God of the Universe.

And I honestly thought that Jesus, the Holy one of God, would not be glorified if they read books glorifying witches, warlocks and vampires.

And I have been thinking about that some lately, about why Tolkien is okay and Rowling is not. Why C.S. Lewis taking us into Narnia is acceptable and Stephanie Meyer's tales transporting us to Forks, Washington are not.

Worldview. That's what I hear somewhere in my head.

But it really doesn't matter now.
What's done is done.
I said no to certain books based on my conscience and I am not sorry.

And, so, now my adult daughters and I are enjoying reading the Harry Potter series together.
They are adults and still enjoy having me read to them each evening. We are having so much fun learning about Harry's world together. Discussing allegory we see that may, or may not, be intended, laughing at the British wit, and just enjoying sharing this together.

I don't think we will be reading about vampires anytime soon however.