Let the countdown begin!

We have a contract on our house!

Confession

Today is Easter.

I didn't go to church.

Again.

Sigh.

This is the third year I have missed church on Easter Sunday. And I have only been to church once or twice this year.

Why? I don't even know if I know why.

I still love God and read His word. I am still thankful and in awe of Jesus' sacrifice for me. I still want to be more holy and to live for Him. I just have no desire to go to church.

Actually, the whole thing started several years ago. I began to watch others who attended church and see things they were doing to discredit the name of Christ. Before you judge me or tell me I am capable of every sin they commit, let me say that I understand that and make no claims of being 'holier' than they are.

But I do think there should be some accountability from the leaders in a church. And that is rare and hard to find. Even if a church exercised it's right to discipline it's member's they could just leave and go to another church where no one knew about their past indiscretions.

And then I struggle with the fact that the church is the best place for sinners to be. They should be hearing the word of God and, maybe, be getting convicted.

Sigh.

I am such a hypocrite.

I have been hurt by the church when I needed someone, anyone, to call me and just talk. When I have felt confused or lonely and uncared for. When I have walked into a church and everyone is too busy 'serving' to talk or fellowship or even say hello. When I have been sick or asked for prayer and no one reached out to me. When I have not been invited or have been left out of something.

And I have done these things to others.

I am such a hypocrite.

I don't have the answer. I know that I will go back to church eventually and I will try again. Maybe before we move. Maybe not. I know that moving around so frequently for the Air Force has caused some of my apathy. Moving to a place knowing your 'assignment clock' is ticking.

It kind of goes like this:

1. Try church 1, think it might be a good fit, stay a few weeks, decide it won't work.
2. Try church 2, know it isn't the one after one visit.
3. Try church 3, stay a few weeks before you decide it just won't work.
4. During the entire church search you pray but you feel like you just can't hear from God. What to do?
5. Decide to go back to church 1.
6. Stay a few months and find out there are things at this church you really like but other things really bother you. Pray that you can 'overlook' these things and examine them in light of scripture.
7. Decide you have to leave church 1 and go back to church 3. Repeat step 6.
8. This time, even though there are things you really don't like about church 3, you stay because your 'assignment clock' is ticking. You know you have to go to church somewhere so you 'settle' at church 3.
9. Things happen that bother you at church 3, and because you know you 'settled' at this church, you become discontent and begin to think you should have stayed at church 1.
10. Finally, you only have a few months left at this assignment so you start to pull back from church 3 and may even stop attendance all together. After all, you are moving soon and you can start all over with a new church.

When I look back at times when I have been committed to a particular church body, and very active and involved, I recognize the common denominator of being part of a small, intimate group of friends within the church.

I have come to believe that when we attend church with people, but have no one in the body who really knows us, we can wear masks and pretend that our lives are perfect. But when we are real with each other, in smaller settings, we can share our struggles with sin and temptations. Then we are a body that really cares for the parts that are hurting.

I don't know when I will go back to church. But I know I will.

Spring, Spring, Spring

Today I am thinking of daffodils, forsythia and dogwood trees.

It is Spring!

It is so hard to live where green things pop up so late in the season and the cold still keeps us sitting by the fire in the evenings. When we were in Virginia for Spring break a couple of weeks ago things were blooming and growing. Green was everywhere and while the birds were busy building nests the gardeners were tilling and planting their gardens.
Life was teeming everywhere we looked.

So I decided to link to Anna's blog post about our visit because she has some lovely pictures.

And:

Learning to have charitable judgement

I read this post by Tara Barthel and felt I could relate.
I have had uncharitable judgment for so many people.
And there are days when I know others are having uncharitable judgment toward me.

It is hard to assume that things happen, that people do or say hurtful things in ignorance or unintentionally. Just hard.

There have been times when I have gone to church exhausted and left without speaking to others-but I always give myself grace because I know what is going on in my life. I know my reasons.
And they are ALWAYS good reasons.
At least they are to me.

Giving others the same grace I want for myself is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn to do. And I am still learning to live this prayer.

Five Random Things for Friday

Our house is on the market! Finally.
I didn't finish all I wanted to before the ad was on the web or the sign was in the yard.
We were just running out of time.

My husband had his first job interview ever today and it seemed to go well. Thank you military life for saving us from this anxious experience.

The new medication seems to be working for our eldest daughter's chronic headaches.

A graduation dress has been found for our lovely graduate and she looks beautiful in it (of course). And I'll bet that if you know her you know what color it is.

And a song that I am in love with:

The Law of Kindness is on her lips

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Do you know an encourager? A person who always tries to say something that makes you feel confident in what you are attempting?

I am not an encourager by nature but some people are. It comes very naturally for them to speak words that make us feel we are indeed able to do a difficult task.
Or make us feel that the most mundane acts are great accomplishments.

They just make you feel good.

I have a daughter who is a natural encourager. She amazes me and makes my heart swell.

Many years ago she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Epilepsy. For a while we had the wind knocked out of us but we got up and worked hard to make sure the doctors would be wrong about some of the things they told us. She won't read, she will have trouble with memory, she won't be able to ride a bike because of balance, she will have learning disorders that will cause delay. All of it proved untrue.

And we prayed. And prayed. And prayed. She would go for years without a seizure and we would be confident there would never be another one...... but there were.

Then the EEG was normal and the MRI was too. She was seizure free and we were so happy that she could get a driver's license.

She has a job and is a college student. Life seemed 'normal'. Then the headaches started and she was having them everyday. The doctor visits began again. Then another seizure and a visit to the neurologist. And he told us what I expected but not what we wanted to hear.

No driving. For six months. She would need to get a ride to work and to school and to anywhere else she wanted to go.

But she smiled through it all and when I asked her about it we talked about another woman who couldn't drive. My husband's grandmother.

She is 93 and has survived cancer, had two brain surgeries and is blind and almost deaf. She started loosing her sight almost 20 years ago and stopped driving about 15 years ago. We had just visited her a few days before and she had told us that she loved to drive and missed driving so much.

And my sweet girl said she thought of her and how she will never drive again but that at least she had only lost her driving privilege for six months. Always so positive.

Then yesterday her younger sister had to pick her up from work and take her to class. They were running late and the driver is afraid of the interstate. But she decided to take it anyway so her sister wouldn't be late to class. She was nervous and scared and feeling she wasn't doing very well when her sister told her what a great driver she was and how well she was doing.

She can't drive but instead of being angry at others who can, someone who may not be doing something as well as she can, she speaks words of encouragement.

I want to be like my daughter.

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26

Forty days and forty nights

"By the sweat of your face
you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
and to dust you shall return."
Genesis 3:19

What is Ash Wednesday?

Wikipedia says :

'Ash Wednesday derives its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of adherents as a sign of mourning and to God. The ashes used are typically gathered after the palms from the previous year's Palm Sunday are burned.'

It is officially the start of Lent. There are seven Sundays in Lent, the last two being Palm Sunday and Easter. Traditionally Lent is marked by fasting, praying and alms giving.

Some years we have tried to observe Lent and I have given up vices such as chocolate and soda but most of the time I just don't follow through.

Partly I think it is because I really don't take Lent seriously.

Maybe it is because, in a perverse way, I really dislike doing what the masses are doing just because someone tells them too.

Or perhaps it is because the first time I was exposed to Lent was when we were living in Germany and there was a Mardi Gras celebration on Base. It was a night of revelry, drunkenness and excess. I now believe Mardi Gras can be redeemed and isn't bad in and of itself, but it is like our philosophy when we lived in Las Vegas, enjoy the good and throw out the bad.
Then, the next day, I saw some of the friends who were drunkest and wildest with ashes on their foreheads. They didn't wipe or wash them off but left them for all to see. I had always gone to a Methodist church and had never seen this before. It was quite interesting to me.

Then, after noticing the ritual for a few years, I decided to research it and find out why some Christian denominations observed Lent.

And, through the years, I have had friends who observed lent and I could ask them questions about it. It was intriguing that some of them said they 'cheated' on their Lenten fasts and others always succeeded in keeping their fasts.

Of course, as homeschoolers, we had to try participating in Lent and have, on and off, several times. We also did a Christian passover seder, once, but that is a story for another time.

I am sure there are very devout Christians who grow in their walk with Christ by observing Lent and don't look at the observance as a work they are doing but a work that Christ is doing in them.
It is just hard for me to not look at Lent as a ritual. And when people proclaim what they are giving up for Lent it is hard for me not to think of this scripture:

"But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

Matthew 6:17-18

So, I may or may not be observing Lent and, if I am, I am not going to tell you what I am fasting from.

"Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry." Matthew 4:1-2