Meditations for a new year

Today I have been reflecting on the year behind us.

Honestly, I won't be sorry to see it go.

It really wasn't an enjoyable year and held more than a fair amount of changes.

I have struggled for years with depression, and with dealing with issues in my past, and this year broke me.

Truly.

For a period of time I just lost all trust and hope in God, in family, friends, and in the future.

So, at the end of this year, I feel like I have been wrestling with God for months. I am tired and ready to ring in a new year, hopefully one that is filled with laughter, peace, and hope.

Perhaps I will be able to attend church again this year. I long to go again but I am truly afraid of tearing my newly healed wounds open.
Time heals, and this may be proving true for me, but still I am waiting and fearful.

It just feels like it is too soon to try to get involved in a church family again.
Before we moved to Virginia we struggled to find a church and to fit into a church body; we had such a desire for family since we were so far from our immediate family.
We just couldn't find a place that felt like home and that was so frustrating. I realize that God was teaching us through that, and that we grew tremendously because of it. We didn't neglect the scriptures, or prayer, but many times we just felt like 'misfits'.

In the last few months the Lord has brought me back to His word and to 'my first love'.

Over the years I had read so many things that had confounded my thinking and influenced our homeschooling and our family life. God has indeed helped me to see that many, if not most, of those ideas were not His best.
Being in a culture that had standards of holiness based upon works creates very judgmental people.
The guilt I felt, on more than one occasion, because I knew that my life fell short of the high standards set by home school gurus, and people at our church, was overbearing. I felt there was no one to talk to or to share my struggles with.
Having home schooled for years, and in many states, the culture we left when we moved here was by far the most Pharisaic.
I have often said that no one would pay to go to a home school conference if the speakers stood up and said:

"If you are homeschooling your children do it because God has called you to, or because you have truly thought about education, and have a philosophical idea about what education is.
Do not do it because you think your children will be smarter, more holy, more polite, or the best at everything they do.
Do not do it if you think that by keeping your children from the influence of the world, not watching certain television shows, reading certain books, or wearing certain clothes your children will be holy little saints who do not, and have no desire to, sin.
If you home school you will still have to deal with sin in your household, especially the sin of pride. You will not be able to protect your children from the sin in their own hearts and, if you fellowship much in homeschooling groups and churches with lots of home school families, you will have to deal with the issue of 'white washed tombs', or little Pharisees.
Remember that the the Pharisees that Jesus condemned were once children who had studied the Torah and followed the laws and traditions set forth by the church to the extent that they had become leaders in the synagogue. But their hearts were unclean, they judged others, they made a show of worshiping God by wearing the 'right' clothes and saying the 'right' words, and most grievous of all they mocked and rejected the Messiah.
Remember, also that Jesus himself stated 'He who loves much is forgiven much but he who is forgiven little loves little.' (Luke 7:47)"

I realize that all home schooling families are not the same and many teach their children that their works are not attributed as righteousness. Our own family struggled with this issue many different times. We were led astray more than once by teachings that promised ideals here on this earth and we regret many of our decisions that were based on those teachings.

But this is not just a problem in the home school community. It is a problem in the Christian community. Church should be a place where people come to be loved, and to learn about Jesus, and to be accepted even in their deepest, darkest sins.

Sadly, many churches are not this way. As soon as a person reveals certain struggles they are marked and not counted as holy. It has always interested me that some struggles are acceptable to discuss and people have compassion for the offender, but others are unacceptable and treated as nonredeemable.

So, this is what my heart is meditating on today. As the new year comes I want to be cleansed of all the old teachings I received and accepted that have caused me to judge others as holy or acceptable or even striving to better themselves, (are you judging me? I am not proud of this).

And I long to attend church again but just don't feel I am ready.
Pray for me.

Tradition! Tradition!

For years our family put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving.
And many times we opened gifts on any day but Christmas day-sometimes because Tracy would be deployed for the holidays, and sometimes just to keep Christmas day peaceful.

We always tried to go to church on Christmas eve if there was a service nearby to attend.

We had certain favorite foods for Christmas and Easter. And always had a red velvet 'birthday' cake for Jesus.

We didn't go trick or treating (sorry- even if I didn't feel Halloween was a celebration of darkness I couldn't in good consciousness let my children go to people's houses and ask for a treat for doing nothing and make a threat if they didn't get one.)

Thanksgiving meant a beautiful table with five kernels of corn at each place setting and a discussion of what we were most thankful for that particular year.

So, over the years we have tried to establish our own traditions. Things that our children would remember and think of as our family ways. As a homeschooling and a military family we tried to make things special for our children in our own ways. Each move meant unpacking quickly to set up house so that things would feel 'normal' in a new place.

And perhaps we have been a bit too philosophical about them. I mean does it really hurt anything to let your kids believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? And if your kids want to dress up as angry birds and go to the church 'trunk or treat' party is that such a big deal?
I guess I am just getting older and tired of thinking about things too much.

But, I also don't have children I am responsible for anymore.

I think we all have to make decisions based on our consciences and convictions when it comes to these celebrations and activities.

Traditions can be wonderful or they can be horrible if they bind us and we follow them without conscience.


I know I couldn't bear the thought of erring to the side of darkness or sin.

And I have to live with that.

I made mistakes as a parent and I live with them e.v.e.r.y. day.

Sometimes I grieve over some of those mistakes.

I think that perhaps I idolized my children and just tried too hard to make their lives what mine never was, and what I thought a child's life should be.

And I think one of my greatest failings was trying to make my convictions their convictions.

I wanted them to grieve over sin in all ways, to be convicted that their lives and actions should glorify the God of the Universe.

And I honestly thought that Jesus, the Holy one of God, would not be glorified if they read books glorifying witches, warlocks and vampires.

And I have been thinking about that some lately, about why Tolkien is okay and Rowling is not. Why C.S. Lewis taking us into Narnia is acceptable and Stephanie Meyer's tales transporting us to Forks, Washington are not.

Worldview. That's what I hear somewhere in my head.

But it really doesn't matter now.
What's done is done.
I said no to certain books based on my conscience and I am not sorry.

And, so, now my adult daughters and I are enjoying reading the Harry Potter series together.
They are adults and still enjoy having me read to them each evening. We are having so much fun learning about Harry's world together. Discussing allegory we see that may, or may not, be intended, laughing at the British wit, and just enjoying sharing this together.

I don't think we will be reading about vampires anytime soon however.

Marvelling at the ordinary

It snowed last night and we drove down the driveway to see the house lit up and decorated in the snow.
It was really beautiful.
When I think of the mercy God has shown us this year I am over come with gratitude. He has been so faithful to us.
Our gracious God.
We are 'aspiring to lead a quiet life, mind our own business, and to work with our own hands' (1 Thess. 4:11). And marveling at simple things, enjoying the creation, and finding contentment in sweet fellowship with each other and the ones we love.
Giving thanks today for:

• cardinals
• a dead sparrow found dead at our door that reminds us that 'not a sparrow falls' (Matt. 10:29)
• laughter with those we love
• uplifting piano music
• a new door
• hoar frost
• piles and piles of leaves that mean we have many, many deciduous trees
• songs in the shower
• daughters who study Biology together with light in their eyes
• being asked to read aloud to my adult daughters

Our building project is finished.
And it is a little anti-climatic.
The movers brought our household goods and I had no idea we had so much. Really, why does anyone have so much?
I have cleaned, moved,organized and unpacked and finally got the garage unpacked. We need shelves out there or we will only be able to park on one side.
We decorated for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving and the house looks so festive. But I am having a hard time enjoying it because I keep thinking about taking it all down and putting it away.
It really seems that A.L.L. I have done this entire year is sort, pack, unpack and organize....
I am so thankful for all the joyful help we have had to get to this point. It was so much more fun when sang, laughed, joked and teased.
A joyful heart is good medicine.

Sometimes the serenity of this place overwhelms me.
Sky and clouds and mountains and trees.
The absolute beauty of creation.
Everywhere I look there is something living.
It is still now as the creatures out my window are safely in their nests and resting places. Even the sheep are huddled together in their shelter for warmth.

Peace quiets my heart and mind and the day fades into shadow.

May the glory of the LORD endure forever; May the LORD rejoice in His works. Psalm 104:31

Thanks Giving

It seems everyone is falling in line on Facebook and posting what they are thankful for each day in November.

I think it's a wonderful thought and I am so glad that my friends are taking the time to be thankful.

But it is not for me. Some thing's are too beautiful for words and would feel trite.

And, I just feel rebellious and don't want to follow suit.

I don't want to have traditions that other people establish.

So, I am not participating in the thanks giving on FB. I just want my thankfulness not to feel forced. I want to truly be thankful for all things and not just good things.
I want my life to be a life of thankfulness and praise to the Creator.

I want to *walk* in thankfulness.

To be so much in each moment that the thankfulness overwhelms me.
Posting each day on FB is a great idea and I am glad that someone started the 'tradition'. Limiting my thanks to 25 or 30 days would be impossible.

I would rather do this instead.

Someone else started it but I can do it my own way, in my own time.

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens

Living in the country again has taught and re-taught me many things this year.

As we are in the middle of Autumn and the trees are starting to loose their leaves I find myself dreading the cold winter months.

I never before realized how important Fall is to trees and plants.
Fall is the best time to transplant, divide and prune.
The trees rob their leaves of food and fortify their roots to keep them healthy through the winter.

So, when the trees look dead in the winter they are really just sleeping and waiting.

I have enjoyed the changes day to day as new trees turn yellow, orange or red.
And sometimes the beauty of this place takes my breath away.
I have been a distracted driver more than once as I have been gazing at the colors out my car window.

But all the while in the back of my mind I have been thinking 'this is not going to last, it is only a short season, so enjoy it to the fullest, winter will be here before you know it.'

And I wish I could learn that lesson in life.

That each season has it's beauty and won't last forever.

And it seems that each time I get used to a season it begins to change.

For two weeks we have been receiving final records and official papers marking Tracy's retirement. The first retirement check came in the mail yesterday and as we turn the corner into this new season of life I am filled with anticipation as well as a bit of fear.

There are so many unique things about our life right now and this year has been a time of change, growth and pruning.

As the trees get ready for their long winter's rest we will be diligently trying to finish this building project and adjusting to so many things new.

I will try to enjoy it all.

To look for the beauty in it and to remind myself that this is only a season and it won't last forever.

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiates 3:1-8