Meditations for a new year

Today I have been reflecting on the year behind us.

Honestly, I won't be sorry to see it go.

It really wasn't an enjoyable year and held more than a fair amount of changes.

I have struggled for years with depression, and with dealing with issues in my past, and this year broke me.

Truly.

For a period of time I just lost all trust and hope in God, in family, friends, and in the future.

So, at the end of this year, I feel like I have been wrestling with God for months. I am tired and ready to ring in a new year, hopefully one that is filled with laughter, peace, and hope.

Perhaps I will be able to attend church again this year. I long to go again but I am truly afraid of tearing my newly healed wounds open.
Time heals, and this may be proving true for me, but still I am waiting and fearful.

It just feels like it is too soon to try to get involved in a church family again.
Before we moved to Virginia we struggled to find a church and to fit into a church body; we had such a desire for family since we were so far from our immediate family.
We just couldn't find a place that felt like home and that was so frustrating. I realize that God was teaching us through that, and that we grew tremendously because of it. We didn't neglect the scriptures, or prayer, but many times we just felt like 'misfits'.

In the last few months the Lord has brought me back to His word and to 'my first love'.

Over the years I had read so many things that had confounded my thinking and influenced our homeschooling and our family life. God has indeed helped me to see that many, if not most, of those ideas were not His best.
Being in a culture that had standards of holiness based upon works creates very judgmental people.
The guilt I felt, on more than one occasion, because I knew that my life fell short of the high standards set by home school gurus, and people at our church, was overbearing. I felt there was no one to talk to or to share my struggles with.
Having home schooled for years, and in many states, the culture we left when we moved here was by far the most Pharisaic.
I have often said that no one would pay to go to a home school conference if the speakers stood up and said:

"If you are homeschooling your children do it because God has called you to, or because you have truly thought about education, and have a philosophical idea about what education is.
Do not do it because you think your children will be smarter, more holy, more polite, or the best at everything they do.
Do not do it if you think that by keeping your children from the influence of the world, not watching certain television shows, reading certain books, or wearing certain clothes your children will be holy little saints who do not, and have no desire to, sin.
If you home school you will still have to deal with sin in your household, especially the sin of pride. You will not be able to protect your children from the sin in their own hearts and, if you fellowship much in homeschooling groups and churches with lots of home school families, you will have to deal with the issue of 'white washed tombs', or little Pharisees.
Remember that the the Pharisees that Jesus condemned were once children who had studied the Torah and followed the laws and traditions set forth by the church to the extent that they had become leaders in the synagogue. But their hearts were unclean, they judged others, they made a show of worshiping God by wearing the 'right' clothes and saying the 'right' words, and most grievous of all they mocked and rejected the Messiah.
Remember, also that Jesus himself stated 'He who loves much is forgiven much but he who is forgiven little loves little.' (Luke 7:47)"

I realize that all home schooling families are not the same and many teach their children that their works are not attributed as righteousness. Our own family struggled with this issue many different times. We were led astray more than once by teachings that promised ideals here on this earth and we regret many of our decisions that were based on those teachings.

But this is not just a problem in the home school community. It is a problem in the Christian community. Church should be a place where people come to be loved, and to learn about Jesus, and to be accepted even in their deepest, darkest sins.

Sadly, many churches are not this way. As soon as a person reveals certain struggles they are marked and not counted as holy. It has always interested me that some struggles are acceptable to discuss and people have compassion for the offender, but others are unacceptable and treated as nonredeemable.

So, this is what my heart is meditating on today. As the new year comes I want to be cleansed of all the old teachings I received and accepted that have caused me to judge others as holy or acceptable or even striving to better themselves, (are you judging me? I am not proud of this).

And I long to attend church again but just don't feel I am ready.
Pray for me.

Tradition! Tradition!

For years our family put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving.
And many times we opened gifts on any day but Christmas day-sometimes because Tracy would be deployed for the holidays, and sometimes just to keep Christmas day peaceful.

We always tried to go to church on Christmas eve if there was a service nearby to attend.

We had certain favorite foods for Christmas and Easter. And always had a red velvet 'birthday' cake for Jesus.

We didn't go trick or treating (sorry- even if I didn't feel Halloween was a celebration of darkness I couldn't in good consciousness let my children go to people's houses and ask for a treat for doing nothing and make a threat if they didn't get one.)

Thanksgiving meant a beautiful table with five kernels of corn at each place setting and a discussion of what we were most thankful for that particular year.

So, over the years we have tried to establish our own traditions. Things that our children would remember and think of as our family ways. As a homeschooling and a military family we tried to make things special for our children in our own ways. Each move meant unpacking quickly to set up house so that things would feel 'normal' in a new place.

And perhaps we have been a bit too philosophical about them. I mean does it really hurt anything to let your kids believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? And if your kids want to dress up as angry birds and go to the church 'trunk or treat' party is that such a big deal?
I guess I am just getting older and tired of thinking about things too much.

But, I also don't have children I am responsible for anymore.

I think we all have to make decisions based on our consciences and convictions when it comes to these celebrations and activities.

Traditions can be wonderful or they can be horrible if they bind us and we follow them without conscience.


I know I couldn't bear the thought of erring to the side of darkness or sin.

And I have to live with that.

I made mistakes as a parent and I live with them e.v.e.r.y. day.

Sometimes I grieve over some of those mistakes.

I think that perhaps I idolized my children and just tried too hard to make their lives what mine never was, and what I thought a child's life should be.

And I think one of my greatest failings was trying to make my convictions their convictions.

I wanted them to grieve over sin in all ways, to be convicted that their lives and actions should glorify the God of the Universe.

And I honestly thought that Jesus, the Holy one of God, would not be glorified if they read books glorifying witches, warlocks and vampires.

And I have been thinking about that some lately, about why Tolkien is okay and Rowling is not. Why C.S. Lewis taking us into Narnia is acceptable and Stephanie Meyer's tales transporting us to Forks, Washington are not.

Worldview. That's what I hear somewhere in my head.

But it really doesn't matter now.
What's done is done.
I said no to certain books based on my conscience and I am not sorry.

And, so, now my adult daughters and I are enjoying reading the Harry Potter series together.
They are adults and still enjoy having me read to them each evening. We are having so much fun learning about Harry's world together. Discussing allegory we see that may, or may not, be intended, laughing at the British wit, and just enjoying sharing this together.

I don't think we will be reading about vampires anytime soon however.

Marvelling at the ordinary

It snowed last night and we drove down the driveway to see the house lit up and decorated in the snow.
It was really beautiful.
When I think of the mercy God has shown us this year I am over come with gratitude. He has been so faithful to us.
Our gracious God.
We are 'aspiring to lead a quiet life, mind our own business, and to work with our own hands' (1 Thess. 4:11). And marveling at simple things, enjoying the creation, and finding contentment in sweet fellowship with each other and the ones we love.
Giving thanks today for:

• cardinals
• a dead sparrow found dead at our door that reminds us that 'not a sparrow falls' (Matt. 10:29)
• laughter with those we love
• uplifting piano music
• a new door
• hoar frost
• piles and piles of leaves that mean we have many, many deciduous trees
• songs in the shower
• daughters who study Biology together with light in their eyes
• being asked to read aloud to my adult daughters