Confession

Today is Easter.

I didn't go to church.

Again.

Sigh.

This is the third year I have missed church on Easter Sunday. And I have only been to church once or twice this year.

Why? I don't even know if I know why.

I still love God and read His word. I am still thankful and in awe of Jesus' sacrifice for me. I still want to be more holy and to live for Him. I just have no desire to go to church.

Actually, the whole thing started several years ago. I began to watch others who attended church and see things they were doing to discredit the name of Christ. Before you judge me or tell me I am capable of every sin they commit, let me say that I understand that and make no claims of being 'holier' than they are.

But I do think there should be some accountability from the leaders in a church. And that is rare and hard to find. Even if a church exercised it's right to discipline it's member's they could just leave and go to another church where no one knew about their past indiscretions.

And then I struggle with the fact that the church is the best place for sinners to be. They should be hearing the word of God and, maybe, be getting convicted.

Sigh.

I am such a hypocrite.

I have been hurt by the church when I needed someone, anyone, to call me and just talk. When I have felt confused or lonely and uncared for. When I have walked into a church and everyone is too busy 'serving' to talk or fellowship or even say hello. When I have been sick or asked for prayer and no one reached out to me. When I have not been invited or have been left out of something.

And I have done these things to others.

I am such a hypocrite.

I don't have the answer. I know that I will go back to church eventually and I will try again. Maybe before we move. Maybe not. I know that moving around so frequently for the Air Force has caused some of my apathy. Moving to a place knowing your 'assignment clock' is ticking.

It kind of goes like this:

1. Try church 1, think it might be a good fit, stay a few weeks, decide it won't work.
2. Try church 2, know it isn't the one after one visit.
3. Try church 3, stay a few weeks before you decide it just won't work.
4. During the entire church search you pray but you feel like you just can't hear from God. What to do?
5. Decide to go back to church 1.
6. Stay a few months and find out there are things at this church you really like but other things really bother you. Pray that you can 'overlook' these things and examine them in light of scripture.
7. Decide you have to leave church 1 and go back to church 3. Repeat step 6.
8. This time, even though there are things you really don't like about church 3, you stay because your 'assignment clock' is ticking. You know you have to go to church somewhere so you 'settle' at church 3.
9. Things happen that bother you at church 3, and because you know you 'settled' at this church, you become discontent and begin to think you should have stayed at church 1.
10. Finally, you only have a few months left at this assignment so you start to pull back from church 3 and may even stop attendance all together. After all, you are moving soon and you can start all over with a new church.

When I look back at times when I have been committed to a particular church body, and very active and involved, I recognize the common denominator of being part of a small, intimate group of friends within the church.

I have come to believe that when we attend church with people, but have no one in the body who really knows us, we can wear masks and pretend that our lives are perfect. But when we are real with each other, in smaller settings, we can share our struggles with sin and temptations. Then we are a body that really cares for the parts that are hurting.

I don't know when I will go back to church. But I know I will.