A peacemaker

I have been familiar with Ken Sande's book The Peacemaker for a few years. It was very helpful when my husband and I were having a difficult time with one of our extended family members.

Then last year I was invited to go through the The Peacemaking Church Women's Study: Living the Gospel in Relationships by Tara Barthel with a lovely group of ladies.
It was such a sweet time of learning, fellowship and relationship. How I wish all women could do this study!

Throughout the study I began to feel a burden to practice what I was learning and a desire was born in my heart to be a peacemaker. I realize that I am a long way from where I want to be (and always will be--for such is the nature of man), so when I stumbled upon this prayer by Ken Sande (in this article ) I made it my prayer:

Help Me to Judge Rightly

Lord, help me to judge others
as I want them to judge me:
Charitably, not critically,
Privately, not publicly,
Gently, not harshly,
In humility, not pride.
Help me to believe the best about others,
until facts prove otherwise—
To assume nothing,
to seek all sides of the story,
And to judge no one until I’ve removed
the log from my own eye.

May I never bring only the Law,
to find fault and condemn.
Help me always to bring the Gospel,
to give hope and deliverance,
As you, my Judge and Friend,
have so graciously done for me.

Why are some people so resistant to change?

People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all has happened.
Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail.

By nature my husband and I are both schedulers and list makers. He loves to plan the year and I love to plan the week. I like to have a list of things to do and a menu made and all my errands written down so that I can see them checked off the list. It is sort of a sick fixation.
I had a child who had to have a schedule and if the schedule changed there was a melt down.

Everytime.

Thankfully that changed over time and she learned to adjust to change more easily.
Of course I could more than understand since I was much like that growing up.

I hated change.
Any and all.

And then I married a man who would make the military a career.

The life where you know you are moving in a few months but don't know where. Where you get orders in your hand and start to make plans, like buying a house, and all that changes in moments. Where you are told you will be home for a period of time because you have been deployed too much and then the next week you are called on to deploy. Where all that really matters are the demands of the military.

Ah yes, the military life.

I have learned that schedules and orders and routines can all change with a breath.

Last year our family changed in a big way when our two adult sons moved out and established lives for themselves in different states.

That was hard and I struggled through it.

Then my youngest daughter became a high school senior and attended college classes full time so that for the first time in 18 years I wasn't home schooling and had lots of free time.

And I struggled with that too.

It was as if the identity we had held for the last 20 years shattered in a matter of months.
Our life changed but I adjusted and started making lists again.

I had to learn how to shop and cook for four--three of whom are constantly watching their weight. We exercised regularly and there was less laundry to do. I began to like having hours every week when I could do what I wanted and pursue my interests. We began to develop a new routine and I started to feel so comfortable.

Then more change came our way.

Our son began a courtship, followed very quickly by an engagement.
I needed time to adjust, it was too quick for me.

But once the world righted itself I was back to making lists.

Then the new year came and I realized how little time we had to get our house on the market.

And that this will be our last child's last semester of high school and that she graduates one day and my son is to be married the next.

Then the decision to retire was made and we have to ponder over where we are going to put all our stuff, and us, while we build an addition to our log house in VA.

Oh the lists I have made!

The blessed bliss of making a list of cleaning, and home repair, and chores, that must be done to get us ready for a move and this house ready to sale! mmm hmm

This year should be a planner and list maker's dream come true. Change is here whether we like it or not.

If you need me I'll be making a list.......

My beloved

A few years ago my husband and I started celebrating the day we became a couple.

It was the day I gave him my class ring and he committed to write only to me while he was away. It was a snowy, January day, and he was returning to the Army base where he was stationed, almost five hours away.

That was our beginning.

We married 18 months later and our story has it's ups and downs just like most people's do.

It wasn't until five and a half years later that we started to live for God as a couple.

For five years we lived for ourselves.
Always putting our own needs and wants first, and never questioning what God would want.

Never looking into the word of God for counsel.

I was rebellious longer than the soldier was, God changed his heart first. My soldier loved me and wooed me and was so kind while God was working in my heart. He showed me the gospel in his gentleness with me and how he spoke to me each day.

I look back at that time and shame fills my heart.

I was so unlovely. I was rebellious and angry and mean. I didn't want to be married anymore and I didn't want him to be nice to me. I was frustrated that no matter how hard I pushed him away, or tried to provoke him, he wouldn't give up on me or argue with me. I was completely puzzled. And God used him to show me the truth of the gospel.

Then in January of 1992 when, after much wrestling with the Lord, I finally decided to seek God's will in my life, and we began to walk together.

Together...on this journey God called us to.

We didn't have it all figured out and we weren't a perfect couple, there were still mountains to climb.
And we still put our own needs and wants first more than we should.

But God.

He is always there to gently convict us and bring us back to where we should be.

And I am humbled that this man God has put into my life would still want me to be his beloved.

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Song of Solomon 6:3

In case you were wondering

So about the masks...

Ever since I saw the little skit I wrote about I have thought much about the masks I wear.

And when I wear them.

Last year I was in the car listening to whatever talk radio I could find and I heard Dr. Julianna Slattery talking about her book Beyond the Masquerade. I was intrigued and made a mental note to go home and order the book from Amazon.
Of course, a week or two later when I remembered hearing about the book I couldn't remember the name of it or the author, ahhh....

So rather than beat myself up over it I forgot it. At least I thought I did, I mean I hear lots of authors on the radio and I really do forget most of them.

But over the next few months I would think about the masks I wear and really wish that I had that book.

Then last week when I started this new blog I thought about what I wanted it to be.

I wanted it to be a new start but also thoughts and ideas from who I really am.

In the past when I have blogged I would hide things I was uncomfortable with or just avoid them altogether. I am learning that is one of my major weaknesses--I retreat, pull into my shell and push everyone away when I don't want to face something unpleasant. There is a reason for this in my life but I never recognized it until the last couple of years.

So after I wrote about not wearing a mask here on this blog I started a search for the book and name of the author. Google is absolutely amazing and sometimes I just can't relate how thankful I am that I live in this day and age.

The book came yesterday and I am so glad I ordered it.

Perhaps, after I read more of it, I can let you know when, where, and why I started to wear masks.

Oxymorons

I have been in love with oxymorons since I learned what they were...and I'm not telling you when that was.

oxymoron: a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in "cruel kindness" or "to make haste slowly."

I guess the the title of this blog is an oxymoron of sorts.

A sojourner travels, they wander.

To rest means to be still.

How can a sojourner find rest?

Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10

So, we are attempting to be still.

To learn to be quiet and breathe in and breathe out.

To find peace. Serenity.

And for your enjoyment:

Oxymoron List-The Biggest Little List of Oxymorons Online

You will find no masks here

Change usually starts when we begin to question ourselves.

When did I start wearing a mask?

Why?

When did I start pretending that everything in my life was okay--even when it wasn't?

Why?

When did I let people think I didn't need them in my life?

Why?

Once, at one of the many churches we have attended or visited over the years, we saw a short skit that focused on mask wearing. It started with a family arguing and bickering on their way to church and then when they walked into the church they carefully took out elaborate masks and put them on. When they interacted with anyone in the church they were hidden behind these lovely masks but when they left church and interacted with each other the masks were off.

It was a very powerful presentation.

One that I have thought of many, many times.

I do not want to wear a mask.

Ever.

Sometimes we have to. You know those times when someone asks you if the dress they are wearing is ugly or if the haircut they already got is awful.
We put our 'polite' mask on and tell them something nice.

But when we are having a bad day, or someone asks how we are doing, should we tell them the truth?

Have you ever shared something with someone you trusted only to find out they trusted that information with lots of others?

How do you trust again?

How do you keep yourself from putting the mask on when you are with that person?

I have decided that I won't wear a mask on this blog.

I will be me.

With all my faults.

I am a sinner saved by grace and I fail.

Over and over again.

I am messy and I am emotional and I can be just plain selfish at times. But I am trying. I am 'working out my salvation with fear and trembling'.

So, if you are expecting sweetness and light or pretense and lies--you may need to look somewhere else.

This new blog
and this new year
and this new life we are starting will include no masks, unless you ask me if you look fat or if you are talking too much.

I'll have to get to know you a bit before I can tell you the truth about you, but I am not going to hide behind the mask when it comes to the truth about me.

Beginning

How does one begin a blog?

How do you know what to write or where to start?

The beginning is so long ago that I can hardly remember it.

We became sojourners in 1990-the year we packed our little family into a U-haul truck (literally everything we owned and us too) and moved to Alabama.

It was a scary time but an adventurous time as well. And we have lived through much adventure through the years.

Packing up and setting up.

That has been our life, our reality for 2o years. Never getting too close and never letting ourselves get too involved. Most of the time.

Our existence.

It was fun some of the time and worse than awful at others. It was nice to leave when we weren't happy with things... or stuff... or people.

And gut wrenching when we were.

It's time for us to return to what we came from.

To go back home.

To rebuild relationships that were never broken...but neglected.

To be still for awhile.

To. stay. in. one. place. for.....for...

Maybe forever.

Our sojourn here is almost over. We have a few months left and then we will move into a whole new way of life.

It is true that there is security in what we know and we are scared.

And exhilarated. A little of both.

So that is the beginning of this blog.